I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
our cab driver is having phone sex.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
