I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
