Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
