Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us