I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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