singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
