Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
