evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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