I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I need to calm my uterus...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
