Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Shame is for Republicans.
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