the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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