my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
that's an acceptable place to lick
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
