I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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