I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
