Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
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