Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
