Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
