I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
