the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
