That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
