Your face is a jimmy john
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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