Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
