Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
