My first STD was from a foam party
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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