Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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