I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
