Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
