I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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