We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
