I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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