I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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