All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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