It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
