1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
