All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
