I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
