Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
sick fucks of a feather flock together
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
