why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
