my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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