My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Pooping to opera.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
