that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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