am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
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My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
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Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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