I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
