He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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