he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
