Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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