You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
