1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
