I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
