Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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