still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
