Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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