Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
