What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
