I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
