Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
