i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
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2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
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Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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